Is It End?
Well, umm, hello?
Jadi, untuk tahun ini, gue akan mempercepat tradisi menulis kenangan selama satu tahun menjadi tanggal 30 Desember karena besok harus masak dan gue nggak yakin apakah besok keinginan untuk menulis ini masih ada:')
So, before i start it, i want to say sorry if there's any typo or messed up because honestly, i really don't know what to write and what to share to you guys. I don't have any memorable memories to write down and actually i write here just because the fuckin tradition that i made myself. Gue gaakan nulis panjang lebar karena gue untuk pertama kalinya selama 5 tahun, tidak menulis jurnal apapun dari tanggal 1 Januari - 30 Desember ini. So here i am, just write down everything as long as i remembered. I'm sorry hehe.
I start 2017 as usual, waking up in early afternoon and just doing my activity like usual. Nothing special with my new year every single year since i born. I also spent my entire life in 2017 as normal people used to spent. Literally, normal. Actually, too normal and too boring for me haha. For the first time since i knew what it's called 'like a boy' when i was in elementary school, and then what it's felt to have a real relationship when i was in junior high school, and what it's felt to love a man really hard with your whole heart, broke other's heart because you're a coward and scared of having a relationship again, and last, having a really heartbreaking unrequited love when i was in senior high school, for the first time since all of that, in this year, i didn't felt anything about love and boys.
Surprisingly, i did that because i had no time. I focused on how i can get into that 'popular university' and studied really hard for first 6 months of 2017. And i made it, eventhough it's not the one that i want. But then, i felt reaaalllyyy lonely haha. When i get into that university, having a hectic studies, feeling so tired every single night, yet nobody i could talk with. I could only talk to myself before i sleep and telling "it's gonna be okay, you'll find that man who truly loves you". It's kinda pathetic, isn't it? Padahal akhir 2016 udah janji bakal bisa mandiri, ternyata setelah menjadi satu tahun penuh tanpa lelakii dan cinta2 itu, gue merasa sangat kesepian. Mungkin gue yang emang udah terlalu bergantung dengan sosok lelaki untuk tempat buang sampah di hati atau sekedar buat have fun dan lari dari kenyataan. Mengingat dari SD, walopun gue super jelek dan buruk rupa, sifat ulernya emang udah muncul HAHA.
Also, i spent my university life with no friends. Same reason, i'm too lazy and i don't have time to make my new circle. This university made me so fucking individualistic and actually, i had a love-hate relationship with it. This second 6 months, i only spent it with studied every single day and night, scrolling my timeline and youtube hoping to find any happiness in there, reading webtoons just to kill the time before i go to sleep, and then sleep with all of those dirt in my mind that waiting to spilled out. I know i have my old friends, but i also know that i can't always depends on them. They successfully made their new circle and life, only me who left behind because same reason 'i don't have much time'. Dan lagi, sebenernya ini rekor juga buat Uthe yang dari SD walopun jelek tapi diterima di squad anak-anak bawel dan gahoel dan cukup tenar wkwkwk (sombonk bener yekand)
2017 mencetak sejarah baru buat seorang Uthe yang di kehidupan sebelumnya memiliki banyak teman dan cerita cinta. No boys, no love, no friends. Hanya uthe yang kerjanya belajar dan belajar dan belajar. Bahkan sampai gabisa berorganisasi karena terlalu menyita waktuku yang berharga untuk belajar. Di tahun 2017 ini juga Uthe gabisa keluar kota manapun karna sibuk belajar, ulang tahun ke-18 juga dihabiskan untuk belajar UTS. Akibatnya? Ya gini, kesepian ketika masa liburan tiba dan tidak ada yang bisa diceritakan, What a sad story.
But, is it my choice to have 2017 like this? Well, probably yes. Gue pengen ngerasain gimana sih setahun menjadi manusia normal dan membosankan, hanya mementingkan diri sendiri dan masa depan yang belom pasti. Sibuk ngejar hal yang padahal bakal dibuang juga (acu mau SBM lagi ehe), dan nggak galau karena laki-laki itu. It's my choice to be lonely and alone. Do i regret it? Before, i would said 'no'. But this second, when i write this, i would said, 'yes'. Why would i spent my entire 365 days with this? It's really sad when i saw my 2012-2016 review in this blog and compare it with this year. 2012-2016 have a sweet memories to share with, yet in 2017, i had nothing than my study story. But, i still don't know if could change it in next year. I still don't have any courage and chance to have a talk with a man and having a love story in it. It's too scary to imagine that i will have a heart break again and sleepless night wondering what he'd do, does he think about me, does he love me, etc. Unrequited love it's so scary and i don't want to feel it anymore. And also, i still love them, the man who i love the most since in junior high school, the man that i broke, the man who i had one-side love with. Yes, i admit it. Everytime i felt alone, i think about they three. When i want to remember the sweet things in the Cinema, i remembered how my hands is held by man who i love and the man who loved me. When i was singing, i remembered the old voice notes that the man that i love and the man that loved me sent, also when i had real time singing together while the man that i had one-side love is played guitar. When i can't sleep, i remembered how i spent my midnight talking by phone with the man who loved me until 3 am. When i sad, i remember sweet words from the man that i had one-side love and how that words can lift my heart again. When i about to cry because of tired, i remembered how i can spill anything to the man that loved me and how good if he's here, try to calm me again with his voice. When i just want to remembered sad memories, i just think the sleepless night when the man that i love dump me and how the man that i had one-side love said that "he tried to love me but he can't". Basically, i remembered all of them who i left in 2016 whenever i find my tough time in 2017.
And the most heart breaking is, i don't really believe in God this year. How rude, right? I don't go to church anymore and i don't pray again. It's so sad everytime i remembered when was the last time i prayed and when i saw the man that i love, the man that loved me, and the man i had one-side love is having a good days in 2017 with God while i'm here, trying to be rational woman. But do i want to change and start to have faith in God again next year? I still don't know for sure. Maybe yes, and maybe no.
So that's it, my sad story in this entire 2017. Tahun sebelumnya gue juga menyertakan buku, film dan musik yang gue suka di tahun tersebut, untuk di tahun ini, mungkin akan gue masukkan ke daftar film dan korean ballad kapan-kapan kali ya. Meskipun gue nonton banyaaaaakkkk banget film korea tahun ini dan beberapa bisa bikin hati gue gak karuan (jadi Uthe itu tipenya kalo udah terlalu 'into' something really good, gue bisa langsung moody nggak jelas karena kebawa suasana di film tersebut meskipun endingnya bagus/ngga), tapi gue nggak mau ngerusak sad story ini dengan review receh gue itu wkwk. Last, thank you for those who still read my blog. Actually, i consider to make my blog go public again after hide it for awhile because of afraid that someone would judge it:') Tapi liat nanti deh kalo memungkinkan wkwkwk. Thank you for still reading my blog eventhough the content is not good (karena isinya ya curhatan doang, apa bagusnya) dan gue jarang update. You know i love you all hehe (kayak ada aja yang baca ya huhu sedih). Semoga tahun depan dan seterusnya kalian dan juga Uthe bisa bahagia selalu!! Bhay!!
Jadi, untuk tahun ini, gue akan mempercepat tradisi menulis kenangan selama satu tahun menjadi tanggal 30 Desember karena besok harus masak dan gue nggak yakin apakah besok keinginan untuk menulis ini masih ada:')
So, before i start it, i want to say sorry if there's any typo or messed up because honestly, i really don't know what to write and what to share to you guys. I don't have any memorable memories to write down and actually i write here just because the fuckin tradition that i made myself. Gue gaakan nulis panjang lebar karena gue untuk pertama kalinya selama 5 tahun, tidak menulis jurnal apapun dari tanggal 1 Januari - 30 Desember ini. So here i am, just write down everything as long as i remembered. I'm sorry hehe.
I start 2017 as usual, waking up in early afternoon and just doing my activity like usual. Nothing special with my new year every single year since i born. I also spent my entire life in 2017 as normal people used to spent. Literally, normal. Actually, too normal and too boring for me haha. For the first time since i knew what it's called 'like a boy' when i was in elementary school, and then what it's felt to have a real relationship when i was in junior high school, and what it's felt to love a man really hard with your whole heart, broke other's heart because you're a coward and scared of having a relationship again, and last, having a really heartbreaking unrequited love when i was in senior high school, for the first time since all of that, in this year, i didn't felt anything about love and boys.
Surprisingly, i did that because i had no time. I focused on how i can get into that 'popular university' and studied really hard for first 6 months of 2017. And i made it, eventhough it's not the one that i want. But then, i felt reaaalllyyy lonely haha. When i get into that university, having a hectic studies, feeling so tired every single night, yet nobody i could talk with. I could only talk to myself before i sleep and telling "it's gonna be okay, you'll find that man who truly loves you". It's kinda pathetic, isn't it? Padahal akhir 2016 udah janji bakal bisa mandiri, ternyata setelah menjadi satu tahun penuh tanpa lelakii dan cinta2 itu, gue merasa sangat kesepian. Mungkin gue yang emang udah terlalu bergantung dengan sosok lelaki untuk tempat buang sampah di hati atau sekedar buat have fun dan lari dari kenyataan. Mengingat dari SD, walopun gue super jelek dan buruk rupa, sifat ulernya emang udah muncul HAHA.
Also, i spent my university life with no friends. Same reason, i'm too lazy and i don't have time to make my new circle. This university made me so fucking individualistic and actually, i had a love-hate relationship with it. This second 6 months, i only spent it with studied every single day and night, scrolling my timeline and youtube hoping to find any happiness in there, reading webtoons just to kill the time before i go to sleep, and then sleep with all of those dirt in my mind that waiting to spilled out. I know i have my old friends, but i also know that i can't always depends on them. They successfully made their new circle and life, only me who left behind because same reason 'i don't have much time'. Dan lagi, sebenernya ini rekor juga buat Uthe yang dari SD walopun jelek tapi diterima di squad anak-anak bawel dan gahoel dan cukup tenar wkwkwk (sombonk bener yekand)
2017 mencetak sejarah baru buat seorang Uthe yang di kehidupan sebelumnya memiliki banyak teman dan cerita cinta. No boys, no love, no friends. Hanya uthe yang kerjanya belajar dan belajar dan belajar. Bahkan sampai gabisa berorganisasi karena terlalu menyita waktuku yang berharga untuk belajar. Di tahun 2017 ini juga Uthe gabisa keluar kota manapun karna sibuk belajar, ulang tahun ke-18 juga dihabiskan untuk belajar UTS. Akibatnya? Ya gini, kesepian ketika masa liburan tiba dan tidak ada yang bisa diceritakan, What a sad story.
But, is it my choice to have 2017 like this? Well, probably yes. Gue pengen ngerasain gimana sih setahun menjadi manusia normal dan membosankan, hanya mementingkan diri sendiri dan masa depan yang belom pasti. Sibuk ngejar hal yang padahal bakal dibuang juga (acu mau SBM lagi ehe), dan nggak galau karena laki-laki itu. It's my choice to be lonely and alone. Do i regret it? Before, i would said 'no'. But this second, when i write this, i would said, 'yes'. Why would i spent my entire 365 days with this? It's really sad when i saw my 2012-2016 review in this blog and compare it with this year. 2012-2016 have a sweet memories to share with, yet in 2017, i had nothing than my study story. But, i still don't know if could change it in next year. I still don't have any courage and chance to have a talk with a man and having a love story in it. It's too scary to imagine that i will have a heart break again and sleepless night wondering what he'd do, does he think about me, does he love me, etc. Unrequited love it's so scary and i don't want to feel it anymore. And also, i still love them, the man who i love the most since in junior high school, the man that i broke, the man who i had one-side love with. Yes, i admit it. Everytime i felt alone, i think about they three. When i want to remember the sweet things in the Cinema, i remembered how my hands is held by man who i love and the man who loved me. When i was singing, i remembered the old voice notes that the man that i love and the man that loved me sent, also when i had real time singing together while the man that i had one-side love is played guitar. When i can't sleep, i remembered how i spent my midnight talking by phone with the man who loved me until 3 am. When i sad, i remember sweet words from the man that i had one-side love and how that words can lift my heart again. When i about to cry because of tired, i remembered how i can spill anything to the man that loved me and how good if he's here, try to calm me again with his voice. When i just want to remembered sad memories, i just think the sleepless night when the man that i love dump me and how the man that i had one-side love said that "he tried to love me but he can't". Basically, i remembered all of them who i left in 2016 whenever i find my tough time in 2017.
And the most heart breaking is, i don't really believe in God this year. How rude, right? I don't go to church anymore and i don't pray again. It's so sad everytime i remembered when was the last time i prayed and when i saw the man that i love, the man that loved me, and the man i had one-side love is having a good days in 2017 with God while i'm here, trying to be rational woman. But do i want to change and start to have faith in God again next year? I still don't know for sure. Maybe yes, and maybe no.
So that's it, my sad story in this entire 2017. Tahun sebelumnya gue juga menyertakan buku, film dan musik yang gue suka di tahun tersebut, untuk di tahun ini, mungkin akan gue masukkan ke daftar film dan korean ballad kapan-kapan kali ya. Meskipun gue nonton banyaaaaakkkk banget film korea tahun ini dan beberapa bisa bikin hati gue gak karuan (jadi Uthe itu tipenya kalo udah terlalu 'into' something really good, gue bisa langsung moody nggak jelas karena kebawa suasana di film tersebut meskipun endingnya bagus/ngga), tapi gue nggak mau ngerusak sad story ini dengan review receh gue itu wkwk. Last, thank you for those who still read my blog. Actually, i consider to make my blog go public again after hide it for awhile because of afraid that someone would judge it:') Tapi liat nanti deh kalo memungkinkan wkwkwk. Thank you for still reading my blog eventhough the content is not good (karena isinya ya curhatan doang, apa bagusnya) dan gue jarang update. You know i love you all hehe (kayak ada aja yang baca ya huhu sedih). Semoga tahun depan dan seterusnya kalian dan juga Uthe bisa bahagia selalu!! Bhay!!
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