.
Hallo, guys.
Dilihat dari judul keknya ute emo banget gitu ya kayak anak-anak jama sekarang wkwk. Tapi emang beneran lagi emo kok, jadi bukan tanpa alasan kasih judul gitu--it's not a clickbait hehe.
Kenapa emo? Nggak tau. I had a lot of stories to tell and also a lot of stories that i'm too afraid to tell. Terbukti dari post di blog ini pada tahun 2018 yang bener-bener cuma berjumlah 2 buah, satu tentang mimpi dan satu lagi reviu akhir tahun. Padahal kalo mau ditulis, 2018 punya makna tersendiri di hidup gue (bener-bener hidup gue pribadi) which is, mental breakdown.
It's not that i claim i had a depression moment or smth--depression is a huge label tho, that's why i just call it mental breakdown. Definisi dan penjelasan lengkap mengenai mental breakdown pun belom pernah gue cari dan teliti makanya ya, anggap aja gue mengalami itu.
It all started when i entered new major, Communication Science, UI. Iya, masuk Kom UI adalah impian gue sejak kelas 11, semua orang di sekitar gue dari mulai teman, keluarga, dan tempat les tau gue ride or die untuk bisa masuk sana. Setengah dari orang-orang itu tau kalo gue stress parah ketika tau gue gakbisa masuk sana di tahun 2017 dan malah kejebak di Sastra Jepang--yang juga sebagian orang itu taunya gue stress bgtbgt di Sastra Jepang, padahal nggak terlalu. Dann, hanya 2 orang yang tau kalo ternyata gue tetep stress setelah masuk kom, yaitu Ratih dan Thiti.
Ketika gue masuk Sastra Jepang, gue SAMA SEKALI gapunya intensi untuk punya teman di sana. Karna dari awal--bahkan dari detik gue tau gue keterima di sana adalah, gue harus secepatnya pindah dari sini. Alasannya? Banyak, tapi gue akan beberkan 2 alasan terbesar. 1) I don't have any kind of basic Japanese except for Arigatou Gozaimasu which is even a 3 year old kid could said it. 2) I watched anime--only 5, some Doraemon and Shinchan shit, and that's all. I have no fckn interest in any kind of their culture, their life, their socio-politics-economy-education-health shit, and the list goes on. Alasan gue masuk Sastra Jepang? Gatau. 1) Karna biaya kuliah paralel termurah di UI cuma ada di FIB dan satu-satunya jurusan yang gue mau pertimbangkan adalah Sastra Jepang. 2) Kaka gue kerja di perusahaan asuransi Jepang dan dia bilang di Indonesia banyak perusahaan Jepang jd kalo bisa bahasa Jepang kemungkinan gajinya gede. So there's no spesific reason.
Balik lagi ke teman. Intensi untuk tidak punya teman itu ternyata berbanding terbalik dengan aksi gue karna nyatanya gue tau kalo ada 2 orang dari kelas gue yang keterima juga di Sastra Jepang, Kurnia dan Leo. Apalagi Kurnia juga paralel yang berarti gue akan selalu temenan sama dia sampe 4 tahun ke depan--in worst case. Dari Kurnia, gue ternyata ketemu Sophia. Quite, introvert, fragile, just like a lil chicken that needs her mother. I feel the need to protect and befriends with her, so i stay with her and Kurnia for first term. And not just them, hampir satu angkatan Sasjep gue itu anaknya baik-baik, enak diajak ngobrol, merasa sepenanggungan. Masuk ke second term, gue mulai deket sama Ajr, Ziamur, dan Alma. Awalnya hanya kebetulan sama-sama pulang naik kereta, berujung menjadi rutinitas makan siang bareng dan pulang bareng. Kita berenam have same interest so we never ran out of topic, broke as fuck, dan pengabdi KRL. I do admit that i'm so happy to find them, first time in life i have a peer group that really have same interest with me. So i do also admit that when i entered Comm, i feel empty.
Berlanjut ke Kom. Sebelum masuk kom, gue bilang sama diri gue sendiri kalo gakpunya temen pun gakpapa, toh juga nanti punya. Guess who's totally failed it? Me. Sebagai orang yang udah pernah ikut rangkaian Kamaba, ogah dong gue ikut untuk kedua kali. Lagipula ketika Kamaba kemaren gue jalaninnya sama temen SMA, bukan sama temen jurusan jadi gue pikir nanti juga punya temen, gak usahlah cari temen dari Kamaba. Ternyata langkah yang salah besar. Ketika gue masuk lagi untuk ospek fakultas, i have no friend, at all while everyone already have one or more. I feel so stupid and alone. Cuma satu yang gue bisa ngobrol sama dia, namanya Aqilla--untung sekarang beneran jd temen deket, tp dia saat itu udh punya temen deket lain--namanya Alfi, skrg satu peer juga sih. But that empty space still in there until now, eventho i already have a peer group with 10 members. I don't know, it's like mix of missing my old friend di Sasjep and also just feel empty inside for no reason. Ditambah lagi, Gelmab.
Yeah, Gel fucking mab. Acara yang bener-bener menjadi tonggak kenapa uthe jadi suka nangis atau gelisah tiba-tiba. Dari belom masuk Kom/Fisip, gue tau kalo gue pengen banget ambil bagian di Gelmab. Gelmab adalah rangkaian lomba seni yang ditutup oleh pertunjukan teater. Gue tau dan suka seni walopun im not that artsy. Gue bisa akting, bisa nyanyi, kalo disuruh nari pun ya ayo aja. Dan ketika oprec PJ, gue daftar2 aja karena selain suka seni, gue jg suka dan udh sering ke kepanitiaan acara so whats wrong? But, at the end, that decision is my biggest regret.
Long story short, intinya, gue gak dihargai selama di sana. Judulnya PJ Teater, tapi kerjaan gue mungutin sampah, titip barang, cabutin lakban, dan benerin kursi. It's not that i complaining with that, gue selalu percaya kerjaan2 remeh kayak gitu aja juga butuh at least niat dan buat kumpulin niat itu susah. Gue kerjain itu niat kok, walopun itu harusnya bukan kerjaan gue, tp gue emang suka bantu hal2 remeh gt soalnya gue gaksuka tempat berantakan, the problem is, i don't get the chance to do WHAT I SUPPOSE TO DO. Semua PJ mata lomba dapet kerjaan bikin konsep dari lombanya, kenapa gue selaku PJ teater yg harusnya ngekonsep teater gue mau kekmana malah gadikasih kerja apa2? Seakan-akan jabatan gue cuma buat nama doang biar teater ada PJnya padahal yang pegang itu PJ konsep dan PO. Kerjaan gue cuma ngikut rapat yang buat gue gaada pengaruhnya sama sekali karna semua ttg teater udah diurusin sama PJ konsep sampe gue gadapet jatah apa2, gue disuruh cari staff padahal gaada kerjaan apa2, gue dipaksa--indrectly, pulang malem jam 11 cuma nontonin latian para cast, ARE U FCKN INSANE?? Lebih parahnya adalah, ketika pengumuman pemenang dimana gue harus ada di FISIP sampe jam 2pagi, dan ternyata tetaer kom menang, YANG DISURUH MAJU BUAT AMBIL SERTIFIKAT BUKAN GUE, MALAH ORANG LAIN YG POSISI HIERARKINYA HARUSNYA ADA DI BAWAH GUE PADAHAL MEREKA JELAS2 TAU GUE MASI ADA DISANA DAN BLOM PULANG. BITCH WTF?! Gue bener2 rasanya dipermalukan, diinjek, ga dihargain, semuanya dah. Gue nangis di tengah2 org2--mereka pikir gue nangis terharu kaliya, pdhl kaga, anjing.
Setelah hari itu, bener2 2hari kemudian, ketika gue sendirian di kamar, gue duduk, dan tiba-tiba gue nangis. Out of nowhere. Pertama kalinya gue nangis sendiri bukan karena cowok atau ngeliat foto/chat lama dari mantan dan siapapun, tp pure nangis karena sesek parah. Jadi emang 2 minggu sebelum hari H gue udah mulai ngerasain sesak napas dan perasaan choked gitu kayak ada gumpalan batu besar di tenggorokan gue, gue juga suka ngerasa mata gue berair pengen nangis padahal nggak. Jadi setelah 2 minggu, akhirnya keluar lah air mata itu. Sedih banget nangisnya kalo boleh jujur. Apa setelah itu gue lega? Nope.
Gue bilang ke diri gue sendiri kalo gue udah lega, udah rela. It took 2 weeks since the end of Gelmab to finally can talk to people that i worked with when Gelmab without having choking feeling or just being shady. I thought i finally got better, but no. I know i was lying this whole time but i pretend i didn't. It's like i have 2 souls that fighting to each other about what am i supposed to feel. Dan perasaan itu kambuh lagi when you know in your high school peer group which just contain of 5 members, have other group inside.
If this case is happen to other group that has alot of member, it's quite fine actually. But mine was only 5, and i feel, i don't know, disappointed? I know it's part of my fault because whenever they want to hang out i always can't because i have no money nor time to follow their lifestyle. But sometimes when you actually can, you realized they don't invite you anymore. They had their own group, their own talk, their own life. I feel like i'm an outsider whenever i hang out with them, that's why i never really update my life with them anymore. What's the point of that when you already loose your faith and and now being an outsider? I really want to talk to them like i used to, but maybe i'm too annoyed of the fact that i'm not in their life anymore, not that important, not the shoulder to cry on anymore--i used to be their shoulder to cry on because i listened to their stories. That's why i only talked to Ratih and Thiti about my breakdown moment, but at the end, i was still same, too afraid to make them feel annoyed of my story.
Maybe because i used to listened others, or because i'm not in the same environment as my friends, i used to save story for later, those things kinda mixed and the result is, i'm too afraid of telling my life--either it's good/bad to other. Takut dianggap drama, takut dianggap manja, takut dianggap gak bersyukur, takut mereka bosen denger cerita gue, dan takut-takut lainnya. Kebiasaan ini udah mendarah daging di gue selama 2 tahun belakangan dan gue terlalu susah untuk ngelepasnya. Ditambah lagi sekarang gue selalu merasa belom nemu teman yang tepat untuk diceritain apapun. Semua temen gue, gue anggap cuma angin lewat dan gakbisa gue percaya sepenuhnya tanpa harus gue takut mereka akan bosen dan ninggalin gue. That's why gue lagi sering rambling ttg gue pengen banget punya pacar karena gue bener2 lagi butuh orang yang bisa dengerin curhatan busuk gue 24/7 when my usual friend can't do that to me.
I tried to talk to God, i know He always listen me, tapi gue tetep takut untuk cerita bahkan ke Tuhan sekalipun karena gue tau gue terlalu berdosa untuk ngeluh hal2 duniawi ke Dia. That's why i keep, and keep, and keep till i spilled that out again 3 days ago.
I did that again, crying. Alone. No reason. I thought that i would never ever do that again since the last time because it was too creepy to remember, but i did it. My heart was too full at that time that i'm so desperate about my loneliness. Ditambah lagi pikiran kalo kakak gue tahun ini akan menikah dan ninggalin gue yang belom becus ngapa2in ini bersama 2 orangtua gue yg udh beneran tua sendirian, yang berarti gue harus mulai bantu kerja cari duit in case orangtua gue kenapa2 di masa depan. I'm not fucking ready with that shit, seriously. Tbe thought of being alone and lonely was so killing me at that time that i started to cry. I screamed too actually. It was so horrible to remember.
So here i am, again, rambling about my life in a platform that nobody would mind to read. At the end, it's still the same. It's like i talked to myself while actually i need to talk to a real person. I know i'm completely can't be healed by just writing things on, but at least i tried to spilled this whole shit out because man, i really really can't hold it alone anymore eventho i want to.
If you're out there, whether it's friend of mine that i know, or just completely stranger, i'm so sorry because you waste your 5-10 minutes to read this whole shit. But also, i'm so thankful because you waste your 5-10 minutes to read my whole shit and not complaining. Hope you always be happy and be truthful to yourself because i can't.
Love yourself,
can't love myself.
Sincerely,
Dilihat dari judul keknya ute emo banget gitu ya kayak anak-anak jama sekarang wkwk. Tapi emang beneran lagi emo kok, jadi bukan tanpa alasan kasih judul gitu--it's not a clickbait hehe.
Kenapa emo? Nggak tau. I had a lot of stories to tell and also a lot of stories that i'm too afraid to tell. Terbukti dari post di blog ini pada tahun 2018 yang bener-bener cuma berjumlah 2 buah, satu tentang mimpi dan satu lagi reviu akhir tahun. Padahal kalo mau ditulis, 2018 punya makna tersendiri di hidup gue (bener-bener hidup gue pribadi) which is, mental breakdown.
It's not that i claim i had a depression moment or smth--depression is a huge label tho, that's why i just call it mental breakdown. Definisi dan penjelasan lengkap mengenai mental breakdown pun belom pernah gue cari dan teliti makanya ya, anggap aja gue mengalami itu.
It all started when i entered new major, Communication Science, UI. Iya, masuk Kom UI adalah impian gue sejak kelas 11, semua orang di sekitar gue dari mulai teman, keluarga, dan tempat les tau gue ride or die untuk bisa masuk sana. Setengah dari orang-orang itu tau kalo gue stress parah ketika tau gue gakbisa masuk sana di tahun 2017 dan malah kejebak di Sastra Jepang--yang juga sebagian orang itu taunya gue stress bgtbgt di Sastra Jepang, padahal nggak terlalu. Dann, hanya 2 orang yang tau kalo ternyata gue tetep stress setelah masuk kom, yaitu Ratih dan Thiti.
Ketika gue masuk Sastra Jepang, gue SAMA SEKALI gapunya intensi untuk punya teman di sana. Karna dari awal--bahkan dari detik gue tau gue keterima di sana adalah, gue harus secepatnya pindah dari sini. Alasannya? Banyak, tapi gue akan beberkan 2 alasan terbesar. 1) I don't have any kind of basic Japanese except for Arigatou Gozaimasu which is even a 3 year old kid could said it. 2) I watched anime--only 5, some Doraemon and Shinchan shit, and that's all. I have no fckn interest in any kind of their culture, their life, their socio-politics-economy-education-health shit, and the list goes on. Alasan gue masuk Sastra Jepang? Gatau. 1) Karna biaya kuliah paralel termurah di UI cuma ada di FIB dan satu-satunya jurusan yang gue mau pertimbangkan adalah Sastra Jepang. 2) Kaka gue kerja di perusahaan asuransi Jepang dan dia bilang di Indonesia banyak perusahaan Jepang jd kalo bisa bahasa Jepang kemungkinan gajinya gede. So there's no spesific reason.
Balik lagi ke teman. Intensi untuk tidak punya teman itu ternyata berbanding terbalik dengan aksi gue karna nyatanya gue tau kalo ada 2 orang dari kelas gue yang keterima juga di Sastra Jepang, Kurnia dan Leo. Apalagi Kurnia juga paralel yang berarti gue akan selalu temenan sama dia sampe 4 tahun ke depan--in worst case. Dari Kurnia, gue ternyata ketemu Sophia. Quite, introvert, fragile, just like a lil chicken that needs her mother. I feel the need to protect and befriends with her, so i stay with her and Kurnia for first term. And not just them, hampir satu angkatan Sasjep gue itu anaknya baik-baik, enak diajak ngobrol, merasa sepenanggungan. Masuk ke second term, gue mulai deket sama Ajr, Ziamur, dan Alma. Awalnya hanya kebetulan sama-sama pulang naik kereta, berujung menjadi rutinitas makan siang bareng dan pulang bareng. Kita berenam have same interest so we never ran out of topic, broke as fuck, dan pengabdi KRL. I do admit that i'm so happy to find them, first time in life i have a peer group that really have same interest with me. So i do also admit that when i entered Comm, i feel empty.
Berlanjut ke Kom. Sebelum masuk kom, gue bilang sama diri gue sendiri kalo gakpunya temen pun gakpapa, toh juga nanti punya. Guess who's totally failed it? Me. Sebagai orang yang udah pernah ikut rangkaian Kamaba, ogah dong gue ikut untuk kedua kali. Lagipula ketika Kamaba kemaren gue jalaninnya sama temen SMA, bukan sama temen jurusan jadi gue pikir nanti juga punya temen, gak usahlah cari temen dari Kamaba. Ternyata langkah yang salah besar. Ketika gue masuk lagi untuk ospek fakultas, i have no friend, at all while everyone already have one or more. I feel so stupid and alone. Cuma satu yang gue bisa ngobrol sama dia, namanya Aqilla--untung sekarang beneran jd temen deket, tp dia saat itu udh punya temen deket lain--namanya Alfi, skrg satu peer juga sih. But that empty space still in there until now, eventho i already have a peer group with 10 members. I don't know, it's like mix of missing my old friend di Sasjep and also just feel empty inside for no reason. Ditambah lagi, Gelmab.
Yeah, Gel fucking mab. Acara yang bener-bener menjadi tonggak kenapa uthe jadi suka nangis atau gelisah tiba-tiba. Dari belom masuk Kom/Fisip, gue tau kalo gue pengen banget ambil bagian di Gelmab. Gelmab adalah rangkaian lomba seni yang ditutup oleh pertunjukan teater. Gue tau dan suka seni walopun im not that artsy. Gue bisa akting, bisa nyanyi, kalo disuruh nari pun ya ayo aja. Dan ketika oprec PJ, gue daftar2 aja karena selain suka seni, gue jg suka dan udh sering ke kepanitiaan acara so whats wrong? But, at the end, that decision is my biggest regret.
Long story short, intinya, gue gak dihargai selama di sana. Judulnya PJ Teater, tapi kerjaan gue mungutin sampah, titip barang, cabutin lakban, dan benerin kursi. It's not that i complaining with that, gue selalu percaya kerjaan2 remeh kayak gitu aja juga butuh at least niat dan buat kumpulin niat itu susah. Gue kerjain itu niat kok, walopun itu harusnya bukan kerjaan gue, tp gue emang suka bantu hal2 remeh gt soalnya gue gaksuka tempat berantakan, the problem is, i don't get the chance to do WHAT I SUPPOSE TO DO. Semua PJ mata lomba dapet kerjaan bikin konsep dari lombanya, kenapa gue selaku PJ teater yg harusnya ngekonsep teater gue mau kekmana malah gadikasih kerja apa2? Seakan-akan jabatan gue cuma buat nama doang biar teater ada PJnya padahal yang pegang itu PJ konsep dan PO. Kerjaan gue cuma ngikut rapat yang buat gue gaada pengaruhnya sama sekali karna semua ttg teater udah diurusin sama PJ konsep sampe gue gadapet jatah apa2, gue disuruh cari staff padahal gaada kerjaan apa2, gue dipaksa--indrectly, pulang malem jam 11 cuma nontonin latian para cast, ARE U FCKN INSANE?? Lebih parahnya adalah, ketika pengumuman pemenang dimana gue harus ada di FISIP sampe jam 2pagi, dan ternyata tetaer kom menang, YANG DISURUH MAJU BUAT AMBIL SERTIFIKAT BUKAN GUE, MALAH ORANG LAIN YG POSISI HIERARKINYA HARUSNYA ADA DI BAWAH GUE PADAHAL MEREKA JELAS2 TAU GUE MASI ADA DISANA DAN BLOM PULANG. BITCH WTF?! Gue bener2 rasanya dipermalukan, diinjek, ga dihargain, semuanya dah. Gue nangis di tengah2 org2--mereka pikir gue nangis terharu kaliya, pdhl kaga, anjing.
Setelah hari itu, bener2 2hari kemudian, ketika gue sendirian di kamar, gue duduk, dan tiba-tiba gue nangis. Out of nowhere. Pertama kalinya gue nangis sendiri bukan karena cowok atau ngeliat foto/chat lama dari mantan dan siapapun, tp pure nangis karena sesek parah. Jadi emang 2 minggu sebelum hari H gue udah mulai ngerasain sesak napas dan perasaan choked gitu kayak ada gumpalan batu besar di tenggorokan gue, gue juga suka ngerasa mata gue berair pengen nangis padahal nggak. Jadi setelah 2 minggu, akhirnya keluar lah air mata itu. Sedih banget nangisnya kalo boleh jujur. Apa setelah itu gue lega? Nope.
Gue bilang ke diri gue sendiri kalo gue udah lega, udah rela. It took 2 weeks since the end of Gelmab to finally can talk to people that i worked with when Gelmab without having choking feeling or just being shady. I thought i finally got better, but no. I know i was lying this whole time but i pretend i didn't. It's like i have 2 souls that fighting to each other about what am i supposed to feel. Dan perasaan itu kambuh lagi when you know in your high school peer group which just contain of 5 members, have other group inside.
If this case is happen to other group that has alot of member, it's quite fine actually. But mine was only 5, and i feel, i don't know, disappointed? I know it's part of my fault because whenever they want to hang out i always can't because i have no money nor time to follow their lifestyle. But sometimes when you actually can, you realized they don't invite you anymore. They had their own group, their own talk, their own life. I feel like i'm an outsider whenever i hang out with them, that's why i never really update my life with them anymore. What's the point of that when you already loose your faith and and now being an outsider? I really want to talk to them like i used to, but maybe i'm too annoyed of the fact that i'm not in their life anymore, not that important, not the shoulder to cry on anymore--i used to be their shoulder to cry on because i listened to their stories. That's why i only talked to Ratih and Thiti about my breakdown moment, but at the end, i was still same, too afraid to make them feel annoyed of my story.
Maybe because i used to listened others, or because i'm not in the same environment as my friends, i used to save story for later, those things kinda mixed and the result is, i'm too afraid of telling my life--either it's good/bad to other. Takut dianggap drama, takut dianggap manja, takut dianggap gak bersyukur, takut mereka bosen denger cerita gue, dan takut-takut lainnya. Kebiasaan ini udah mendarah daging di gue selama 2 tahun belakangan dan gue terlalu susah untuk ngelepasnya. Ditambah lagi sekarang gue selalu merasa belom nemu teman yang tepat untuk diceritain apapun. Semua temen gue, gue anggap cuma angin lewat dan gakbisa gue percaya sepenuhnya tanpa harus gue takut mereka akan bosen dan ninggalin gue. That's why gue lagi sering rambling ttg gue pengen banget punya pacar karena gue bener2 lagi butuh orang yang bisa dengerin curhatan busuk gue 24/7 when my usual friend can't do that to me.
I tried to talk to God, i know He always listen me, tapi gue tetep takut untuk cerita bahkan ke Tuhan sekalipun karena gue tau gue terlalu berdosa untuk ngeluh hal2 duniawi ke Dia. That's why i keep, and keep, and keep till i spilled that out again 3 days ago.
I did that again, crying. Alone. No reason. I thought that i would never ever do that again since the last time because it was too creepy to remember, but i did it. My heart was too full at that time that i'm so desperate about my loneliness. Ditambah lagi pikiran kalo kakak gue tahun ini akan menikah dan ninggalin gue yang belom becus ngapa2in ini bersama 2 orangtua gue yg udh beneran tua sendirian, yang berarti gue harus mulai bantu kerja cari duit in case orangtua gue kenapa2 di masa depan. I'm not fucking ready with that shit, seriously. Tbe thought of being alone and lonely was so killing me at that time that i started to cry. I screamed too actually. It was so horrible to remember.
So here i am, again, rambling about my life in a platform that nobody would mind to read. At the end, it's still the same. It's like i talked to myself while actually i need to talk to a real person. I know i'm completely can't be healed by just writing things on, but at least i tried to spilled this whole shit out because man, i really really can't hold it alone anymore eventho i want to.
If you're out there, whether it's friend of mine that i know, or just completely stranger, i'm so sorry because you waste your 5-10 minutes to read this whole shit. But also, i'm so thankful because you waste your 5-10 minutes to read my whole shit and not complaining. Hope you always be happy and be truthful to yourself because i can't.
Love yourself,
can't love myself.
Sincerely,
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